You get to give them a legal name. That’s it. You don’t get to decide if their friends call them “Bethany”, like you named them, or “Beth”, “Betty”, “BB”, or “Thurgash the Hungry One”, let alone if they ask to go by “Garrett”.

The schools, in my humble opinion, are there to serve the best interests of the child. Sometimes that means sharing information with the parents so that you are aware of concerning developments and you can work with the teachers to help your child. Sometimes, unfortunately, that also means that the parents are the concern. Signs of physical or sexual abuse, for example. Malnurishment. Things of that nature. The school not only doesn’t need to defer to the parents’ “rights” at that point, they have a legal obligation to report these concerns for investigations that may even lead to the stripping of those parental rights.

When it comes to children who are expressing body gender dismorphia or non-heteronormative behaviors, A) you have to consider the actual risks of those things and the means by which they are being expressed. If they are expressing them in destructive or dangerous ways, such as overtly sexual acts, self harm, etc. then those are probably concerns to bring up with parents. If they are simply mannerisms, preferred names, identity, then those are not concerning behaviors that warrant intervention of any kind. B) you have to consider the risks of pushing back on the behaviors. Studies show, pretty much universally, that suppression of ones identity often leads to anxiety, depression and increased risk of suicide. If the behaviors are harmless, and suppressing them is not harmless, then the obvious path is to not suppress them. C) You have to guage the reactions of the parents. Some parents are compassionate/caring. Some parents are apathetic/uninvolved. Some parents are shitty/mean. Some parents are straight up dangerous. So you have to guage how sharing innocent information with the parents will be reacted to. Again, if the behaviors are harmless, and sharing that information with the parents will cause harm, then the obvious path is not to share it if you don’t have to.

I’m a parent too. She’s only 2 right now, so I am not in this situation yet. I’ve fostered teens and preteens, and been on the not so fun side of this, where behaviors are actually harmful and my wife and I were involved as a result (there is also more complicated “rights” in those cases as they weren’t our children, legally). When my daughter is in school, if she starts to feel that she is uncomfortable in her body, that maybe she is a boy, or both or neither, or that she likes girls, or whatever, I like to hope that I will know that as soon or sooner than a teacher would anyway. And if not, I like to think that, if her teacher is familiar with my wife and I, they will know that we are not going to be the type of parents that shame our daughter or suppress who she is and be concerned about sharing that.

But I don’t know how this may play out, except I do know that I will not hold teachers responsible for spying on and reporting harmless behaviors of my child to me. If I don’t already know and the teacher does, there is probably a reason my daughter hasn’t shared that. It may not necessarily be a good reason. Kids often make strange judgements or leaps in logic, and have a natural desire to gain independence from their parents, but that is part of growing up. And if you trust that the teacher cares for your child, you have to trust that they are acting in their best interest from their perspective. They’re a person and a caregiver, not your spy or direct report.