Just being comfortable and peaceful when nothing is evidently wrong. People taking things for granted bothers me because I can’t. Permanent fight or flight.

Eating.

I’ve always liked to eat. And I haven’t been impoverished for years now. But even though I was only homeless and impoverished for a little over a year, it destroyed my relationship with food.

If I have food in front of me, I have to eat it. My brain is convinced I might not have anything else to eat for an unknown amount of time and so I need to eat as much as I can while it’s available.

I can recognize that this is not true, and actively stop myself. But it’s an active intervention every time, and it’s exhausting.

For me it’s the sound of rain on a rooftop. First thing is internal panic as I wonder if all the buckets are in place, and dreading the prospect of discovering a new leak. Then wondering how long before the roof collapses. Worrying about how I could possibly cough up the money for a new roof, and worrying about being forced to suddenly move out into a bad situation… again.